The list.

Once upon a time there was a lovely girl who was bored to death. She was so bored that she even got into a relationship with a wrong guy. Not out of love, out of boredom. But she was a really nice person so she decided she might as well expand this guy’s horizons and assume the role of Aladdin and “show him the world”. But as we all know the road to hell is paved with good intentions. So the ungrateful wrong guy, also known as a coward, thought of nothing better than sleeping with his easy schoolmate while on a work trip to NYC. The girl’s feelings were hurt, of course, but in the end she was thankful that he cheated on her because otherwise she would’ve married him out of pity and would’ve been miserable for the rest of her life. 

It was a wake-up call for her and she doesn’t do any charity cases anymore. Good things can come out of all bad experiences and they did.

As for the title of this post - the girl once made a list of music for that guy to listen to and that list is amazing. And it is what I have gotten ahold of recently and am listening to now.

People.

As I've been removing people from my friends list in one of the networks, I caught myself thinking that I don't really treasure people anymore. I mean, I do treasure my family and friends, who have been with me through the thick and thin and who have always been here for me, lending their shoulders for me to cry on when others failed me.

What I mean is, I don't get upset if I lose touch with someone. I know I'm not the best at replying (Sometimes I forget and take forever to reply), but I don't care if I don't make friends at a convention I go to, or a party, or any other event. 

I have been hurt a lot by other people, and I have been betrayed, just like everybody else. Through this, I've learned that the ones, who run around, declaring they will never hurt you, who are too eager to prove it to you, will end up being the backstabbers.

I have wonderful friends. And I'm looking forward to making more wonderful friends. But I don't hold onto people anymore.

Every time I had been betrayed or hurt, I was the one trying to fix everything and I was willing to step over my heartache and make things work somehow, or, at least, end up being somewhat friendly with the backstabber. Sadly, the road to hell is paved with good intentions - this I learned well. It is now burnt into my skin, carved into my heart.

I am not bitter and I'm certainly not holding any grudges against anyone. I believe in karma and everyone will get what they deserve.

Sometimes people are sincerely sorry and we end up being okay. Sometimes they are cowards. Sometimes they never learn from their mistakes.

I started off this post stating that I don't treasure people. But the truth is that I do, even more so. I'm much more appreciative of the people in my life, the ones who have been with me no matter what.

There's always something good, no matter how bad everything seems.

Silly thoughts.

Maybe I should grow up and be less concerned about potential boyfriend's music taste and interests in favor of other characteristics. Or maybe not.

I also like men in suits. Think Don Draper minus the sleeping around part.

But then I have occasional geeky-boys-next-door-are-so-cute-let's-be-together-forever moments.

Ugh, so complicated.

I hate.

I hate being called “cutie”. I really do. I’m not 2 years old and it just sounds degrading.

I hate not being taken seriously. Just because I’m in my early (very early) 20s and happen to be somewhat attractive doesn’t mean that that’s all I am. As cliche as it sounds, I am not just a pretty face.

I hate when older men think that just because I’m a young pretty girl, I’m an easy catch because all I am is a young pretty girl. I am so much more than that.

I would never ever date anybody based on any factor if we had nothing in common and nothing to talk about. Besides, being older does not give you an advantage, unless you are actually emotionally mature enough to handle relationships, arguments, and stressful situations.

This post is a bit all over the place, but I’m really annoyed at the moment.

It's that time of the year again...

Finals!
Finals! Finals! Finals!

The only time when I turn into a neurotic, crazy, large-amounts-of-coffee-consuming person. I freak out and I can’t sit still. My eyes reflect all of the sadness in this universe and I spend a lot of time writing sad poetry, prose and music.

It really is not as bad as I make it seem, but it sure feels like it is. I will get through that and I will pass all the tests and get As for my exams. That’s how it always is. I’ll be happy once I’m done with it and I’ll go back to my laid-back self. For now, I am the most dramatic of all the drama queens in the world.

I currently have two unexpected term papers that I have yet to write over 1,5 days at the most. They were quite unexpected because they were not in our study plan and we’ve only found out about them tonight. They were double unexpected by me because I’ve had other things clouding up my mind lately.

I am so stressed, I need to de-stress immediately. Battlestar Galactica is on right now, which helps a great deal. I just want it to be nice and warm outside and I want to be far, far away from here.

The purpose of writing this post is unclear to me, only if to vent a little and let you all know a bit more about myself.

Hope everyone is well.
Daria

The Power of Goodbye.

Goodbye.  Have you ever wondered how many times do we say "goodbye" over the course of life? Some are regular, temporary goodbyes, while others are big, dramatic, end-of-relationship goodbyes. There are quiet see-you-in-the-afterlife goodbyes and goodbyes that are never really said at all. 

I, unfortunately, had to say and hear many goodbyes in my life. Some were for good, some not, some I still wish never happened. I can't say I regret having said goodbye, rather that I wish things would have been different so that I would have never even had to think about saying it. Maybe in a parallel universe... 

The regular goodbyes are not really sad, maybe just a little bit. You always know they are not lasting, they are mostly a formality.

The end-of-relationship goodbyes are a big deal. This "goodbye" is the swan song of that relationship. It's always hard and has lasting effects, whether you were the one who said it or the one who heard it. You are cutting off a chunk of your life with that goodbye, and if you were not the one to cut the cord, you will feel bitter long after. It takes time to separate yourself from that period of your now past and move on, forming new relationships with people.

The quiet goodbyes to the ones who pass away are the most painful, yet they bring a sense of closure. There is nothing that can be done, and you were not betrayed or hurt by them, but separated by death, something you can't control or bargain with. The idea of them still being with you in spirit and seeing them and being reunited with them once you die helps making it seem like a temporary goodbye (and maybe it is one!). And even if nothingness is all there is and you just cease to exist once your heart stops beating and your brain dies, you will never know it. Still, a comforting thought to get through the remainder of your life without your loved ones.

And, finally, the goodbyes that are never really said at all. These are the worst kind, as you will never get closure. You will learn to live with that, but it will haunt you. It will always be somewhere in the back of your mind, waiting to unveil itself and open up the wounds you tried so carefully to conceal.  Sometimes they are reversible and while you will never get back what you once had, it will still be something better than an unsaid goodbye. Sometimes you get a chance to talk it through and say your goodbyes. Otherwise, it's left to linger in the depths of your mind.

One of the worst things about goodbyes is the pre-goodbye period, when everything starts deteriorating and you're long past the point of return. It is hanging over you like impending doom, you know it, and the helplessness and understanding of not being able to fix it at this point is what's killing you.

I have been granted exceptional intuition, and whether it's a gift or a curse, it makes sure I know when things are about to turn onto the road to nowhere. The waiting is agonizing but there's always hope that things are going to end up being okay.